The Santa Rally, Magnificent Seven, and One Nation Under Stock

Hold onto your portfolios, folks, because the ghost of economic Christmas future has arrived early! According to Goldman Sachs’ technical wizard, Scott Rubner (who is clearly reading from a crystal ball funded entirely by ETF fees), U.S. stocks are gearing up for a heartwarming holiday miracle in the form of a "Santa rally." Yes, because nothing screams festive cheer like billions of dollars flooding into the S&P 500 index just as you’re flooding into holiday debt buying your Aunt Cheryl another scented candle

Trump, the Markets’ Favorite Gift-Wrap Artist

First on our list of economic stocking stuffers is Donald J. Trump, who has sleighed his way back into the White House and, apparently, into the hearts of Wall Street. Trump’s November win has prompted every hedge fund manager within a five-mile radius of a Bloomberg terminal to loosen their ties and pour billions into U.S. stocks. We’re talking a whopping $186 billion in the last nine weeks – enough capital to buy out every mediocre coffee chain and turn them into artisanal oat milk dispensaries.

Goldman Sachs is calling this a record as if meteoric inflows fueled by fear and euphoria are somehow santa-ctioned signs of fiscal goodwill. It's like saying, “Oh look, the fireplace is roaring because an entire forest just caught fire – toast some marshmallows!”

The Magnificent Seven Ride Again (Into Your Wallet)

Speaking of blazing fires, the "Magnificent Seven" – not a Western flick but the elite seven tech giants who continue to hoard wealth like dragons atop their cash-filled lairs – are now so dominant they alone comprise a mind-blowing 33% of the entire S&P 500 market cap. You read that right. Every dollar you put into your 401K tosses 33 cents directly into their gilded piggy banks. Scott Rubner broke this down using fractions, presumably because percentages are for people whose wealth can’t be counted in commas.

Apple, Microsoft, and their merry band are clearly living the dream. But doesn’t this monopoly-lite situation feel a bit dystopian? It’s like rooting for the Death Star because Darth Vader happens to promise quarterly buybacks.

The SPX Hat Parade Returns

Here’s where Scott Rubner really dresses his market predictions in the finest couture of irony. “My SPX 5K hat has been retired, my SPX 6K hat is tossed, and my SPX 7K has been ordered,” he quipped. Translation? The S&P 500 is climbing so high that Rubner is currently taking suggestions for a new line of merchandise. Look out for his upcoming SPX 10K Galactic Visor – available exclusively on the metaverse marketplace run, of course, by one of the Magnificent Seven.

Share Buybacks and Fed Fairytales

The rally’s not just powered by investor optimism and a man in a red hat. Oh no, it's on the back of $1 trillion in corporate share buybacks authorized for 2025. You see, when companies don’t know what to do with their Scrooge McDuck-sized vaults of cash, they just spend it buying their own stock back to inflate prices. It’s like throwing yourself a parade and calling it a public celebration. Add in the Federal Reserve likely cutting interest rates this December, and you’ve got a market rally wrapped up tighter than a discount holiday package at Walmart.

And don’t forget volatility – or the lack thereof. Markets apparently love calm, predictable vibes, even though we, the everyday people, are living in the high-stress finale scene of Jumanji every time we open an electric bill.

A Very Wall Street Christmas

But hey, 'tis the season of gratitude! Thanks to this glorified snowball of inflows, rate cuts, and tech hegemony, stocks are on fire – metaphorically, of course, unless Elon Musk accidentally launches literal ones during an investor meeting. Meanwhile, we peasants merrily watch our fractional shares of Amazon as though it’s an adopted Tamagotchi we hope to keep alive.

The S&P 500 is up by a whopping 28% this year, which means you now have just enough gains to cover the latest surge in egg prices. The Magnificent Seven themselves are up by 50% because there’s no way to stop tech titans from casually buying new baby yachts fueled entirely by user data.

Closing Thoughts From the Stock-ocalypse

To summarize: 2024’s market is shaping up to be a festive feast for the elites, filled to the brim with mega-cap tech joy, buyback bells, and interest rate whistles. The little guy? Don’t worry – you also get something under the tree this year. It’s a front-row seat to the Magnificent Seven Presents: The Great American Capitalism Extravaganza. Just bring your popcorn (if you can afford it). Cheers!